I usually just file the RAW files away in folders after I take photos of my family. I used to edit most of them within the same month. And then it got fewer and fewer the busier I got with work, and life, and marriage and motherhood. I’m a bit sad that I’m at a point that I’m not photographing them nearly as much as I used to. And very, very few ever receive any love and attention or get shared. But I’m ok throwing them in a folder labeled “someday when they are grown and I am bored”. It means I’m spending more time with my family, I’m loving them. But I have to photograph them. For them, for me. No matter how tired I am, I need to, or I know some day I’ll regret it.
And then there are these photos. Two and a half months old. I’ve been thinking about the 56 files sitting in a folder almost daily. Wishing I had the time, the attention, to love the files. And then I realized tonight, that won’t be any time soon. So….every night when I’m ready to shut working down for the night (morning?)…I’ll proof at least one, maybe two. And then in about a month, they will all be done. So I opened the folder tonight to proof one and this one grabbed me first….
My boys. I’m sure it is because Jase is holding on tight to Teagan. Our baby who is growing and changing and flourishing every single day. Who reminds me of Ty so much it is a bit ere at times. And Ty, who is turning 13, a teenager, in just a few days, is breaking away from them. He’s finding himself, figuring things and this world out. It’s not easy. There are challenges daily. It’s so hard to let go and hang on all at the same time. I’ve always said that the hardest part of the large age gaps in our children is that they are always going in separate directions. I think I was wrong. I think the hardest part, at least right now in this moment, is to have a fabulous little 2 year old reminder of what my 13 year old was just a few blinks of the eye ago. It is bitter sweet. I love who they both are right now, I truly do, but there are moments when I see them together that its like hitting a motherhood brick wall. Ty’s toddler days are gone. Just like that. There are only small traces of boy lingering now. He’s breaking away, not all at once, not yet, just a little at a time. In little ways, that all add up to independence. This is the hard part, this is the tough road of parenting a teenager in a scary time. Are we ready? I ask myself that daily. And then I look over at Teagan and remember what once was with Ty. That reality and loss of time stares at me. Back then I thought I’d always be a stroller pushing, park venturing momma of a little boy. I knew he’d grow up, but I thought it would go slower. The silver lining is now I know, just how fast, it really goes. It changes the mother that I am and I should be thankful for that. I get to stop and soak them all in a little differently.