I’ve stared at the little blinking cursor for a couple of days and I’m not sure what to say. So I guess I’ll just type for a bit and see what comes out. Maybe I’ll leave it up for a few days and see if it feels right before hitting publish. I’m sure it will ramble….
I know I’m long overdue for an update. Teagan has been very sick, he’s been through what feels like a living hell the last few months. I cannot imagine anything worse than watching our child suffer. While I’m not ready to go into specifics or exactly what Teagan is dealing with, it has been a long road filled with ER trips, specialists, a stay at Children’s Hospital, MRI’s, EEG’s, bloodwork test after bloodwork test, evaluations and just a never ending schedule of appointments, sometimes 4-5 a week. He’s been a very sick little boy and we’ve seen things we’d never thought we’d see, we’ve tried to comfort him and love him and help him any way that we can. It has been challenging, we’ve felt success and we’ve felt failures. We’ve felt guilt and anger and frustration and grace and hope and fear and everything in between. I would give anything for all of this to just go away, to wake up and start fresh. Anything. Anything to have him back just the way he was before.
I will be honest, it is taking a toll on all of us. Emotionally, physically, financially. Ty and Taryn have been brave and scared and understanding and patient and impatient. We are tired and stressed and it feels like we ride a constant roller coaster of ups and downs and making decisions and opening our minds to things we never thought we’d face. We’re having to discover a new level of communication in our marriage and with our children. We’re having to create patience. We’ve had to compromise more than we ever thought we would. We’ve heard some scary words come into our home and the mere presence of them made us go numb. Thankfully, we’ve ruled many out and have kicked them to the curb. We are being forced to open ourselves up to a different way of living and we are being forced to give up many things and rethink everything from medicine to how we live and what we are able to expose him to and the list just goes on and on. And it is overwhelming to face those things and changes all at once when all you want more than anything is for your little one to be well. His health would take a hard fall and we’d come up swinging for him, even when the doctors told us to go home and wait it out. We won’t be complacent. We won’t stand back and watch him deteriorate. Doing nothing is not who we are. It’s not what we do. That was never an option and it never will be.
We looked up and summer was gone and school is starting. The last summer with Taryn at home and we feel we’ve missed it, even though we were right here. So much has happened this summer, our girl turned 5 while Teagan was in the hospital, we prayed and prayed that one of Teagan’s good days would fall on the day of her birthday party, and it did and we celebrated together as a family. We put on our smiles for her and we took that day. Ty found a love for football and working out, we sent him on a trip to my mom’s house just so that we could see him be happy and give him a break. It’s been a tough summer for him as he’s old enough to understand. The rest of us gave up our vacations, our plans for a new puppy and I turned away some amazing work opportunities, so that we could do everything possible to help Teagan be well and handle the daily challenges thrown his way. We’d do anything for him to be well but we are also mourning the loss of a sense of normalcy around here. There have been good days when his symptoms are less pronounced and he walks and talks normally, laughs, plays and runs and we just soak it all up. And there have been dark days when he doesn’t that we never want to remember or see again. We read and researched and asked questions and stayed up all night to talk it all out and find the best course of action. We asked clients and friends and family for patience and prayers. And we hit our knees. We prayed. A lot. For guidance for those caring for him and most of all, good health and a full recovery for a little guy. We pray for patience and understanding and strength to be all that each of our children need us to be. I believe there is purpose in everything and have struggled with that. “Why this”? “Why him?” “Why now?” God, why are you putting us here, what do you want us to do with this? There was a time that we thought hurricane katrina would be the hardest thing our family would ever go through. How silly that seems now, there seems to be no worse hell than watching your child suffer. There are those so much worse off than him, and we have to realize, we are no different than those families, bad things can happen to us too. And we live with that fear. We have been judged, quietly and loudly, by doctors and friends and strangers and old ladies standing behind us in line at the store. Our lives began to be something we hardly recognized. Will he fully recover? Will our lives go back to normal? We do not know what the future holds for him just yet or where he will land when all the dust settles, but we have some improvements and we have some hope. And that is something we are holding on to.
So, why am I not blogging? I also have reservations about airing out his weakest point in life for the world to see, I want to be respectful of him during this time. Secondly, we now know the pediatricians responsible for Teagan’s care since birth made many mistakes from very early on in Teagan’s life. They missed and messed up some big stuff that was right there in front of them. They failed him. His old pediatricians know who I am and what I do and I feel strongly that they have lost the right to know how he is doing. And third, as quickly as I report he is doing better and things are improving, the rug gets pulled out from under him and I just can’t explain it all over and over again each day. It’s hard enough to live it once. We are proud of him, we are not ashamed of what he is going through and we will help him through whatever comes his way so that he can be the best that he can be.
We are so thankful of all the help and wonderful people life has brought to us during this time, my clients and mommy friends who have continuously fed us over the last two months and provided childcare for the older kids and brought cards and goodies that made Teagan and the other kids smile. Our family who is always so supportive. Our friends that have shown up when it really mattered, we are so thankful for them. Wonderful photographer friends who sent us help and a housekeeper and even a drive-by hug.
Especially Marti. Marti is a blog reader and an OT and has been Teagan’s biggest advocate, refusing to give up on him, showing up and going above and beyond every single day to help us get him well. She is clear and thoughtful and intentional and persistent and thankfully, very stubborn. All good possibilities have originated with her and we simply cannot imagine going through all this without her at Teagan’s side. I cry when I start to think about where he would be without her, I can’t let my mind go there. He sees her and he smiles, he knows she’s good people.
I’ll be back to blogging about our everyday lives eventually, I know that I will, I’m just not there yet. I miss this place, I miss it so much. I miss the normalcy that it brings. I miss my camera and connecting with my clients and seeing beautiful moments. I miss photographing my family and documenting our day to day. It’s something I’ve been struggling with, because looking through the lens I see the illness, the sadness and the reality of a life I hardly recognize. As they say, the camera doesn’t lie. I finally took Taryn, my toughest subject and challenge, out for a few photos of just her because I needed to see for myself if I could find something beautiful and meaningful through that lens again. I needed to know for myself and for my work and for my clients and my career. And thankfully, I did find something beautiful. She offered me grace and something so much more beautiful than just a photograph.
So, I will be here, as it is time for me to try and return to work, although on a very limited basis for August. I will still be scarce as our days are determined by Teagan’s health and needs, which seem to change daily, or even hourly. We hope the good days will last longer and the bad ones will taper off. In the meantime, I will talk more about client work and catch up on some sessions. Our personal life may just have to be the big white elephant around here for awhile. I’m ok with that, if it means I get to be here more. I hope you are too.
I have no words, Lyndsay. Beautifully written post, and written with so much grace. Sending more hugs, positive/healing thoughts and prayers, and great admiration for your strength.
You have such an amazing spirit, Lyndsay. Your strength and grace are inspiring. I’m praying for you, Teagan and your incredibly beautiful family.
L, I have been thinking of you and the family a ton over the last few weeks. I wish I could send more than just prayers.
Your courage and strength is inspirational. Praying for the duder daily. What a gorgeous picture of Taryn!
Your family is in my thoughts and my fingers are crossed that little Teagan is back on the road to normal.
Praying for you and your family.
Praying for you and your family, esp. little Teagan. So very hard when your child is hurting. Just know that good thoughts and prayers are coming your way.
I have followed your blog for years and never left a comment. This post brought me to tears. I will pray for your family …. For healing and especially for peace.
A parent’s worst nightmare is for their child to suffer anything that is beyond their reach to fix or minimize. Teagan is blessed with wonderful parents, fabulous siblings and loving grandparents. Please know that Teagan and your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers.
We continue to pray each day for Teagan and your family. I can not imagine the struggle you are all dealing with and the toll that takes on each and every family member. The struggle is different for each involved and just as hard. You all are an amazing strength and advocates for the little duder. Stay strong. Much love.
Lyndsay, I am praying for your whole family, that you get the answers you need for Teagan, for Teagan’s health, and for a calming peace for the entire family. Your blog readers are rallying for you and behind you. God bless your family <3
I know I can’t even imagine what you and your family are going through, but know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that things get better for you all.
Thank you for updating us. I am sorry beyond words with what you are facing. I pray to God that you will find an answer to his problem and that it will be soon. Thinking of you and sending love and hugs to you and your beautiful family. <3
God bless you. I am praying for sweet Teagan and your family. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through.
Lyndsay – I lost my mom this year, and while our situations are very different, learning to live through crisis and come through it as a whole family is similar. You may find your tolerance for some things are astounding, and your patience for the mundane nuisance to push you over the edge. You may find you can seemingly handle more things right now, and 9 months from now you break down over a mere potty accident. I totally understand. I get it. I know you’ve been through a crisis before, but having it affect your loved ones health is so different. Much love and many prayers to the stradtners and wonderful people like Marti who are there to love, support, guide, and help you.
Lyndsay, I hope you and your family find strenght in the most unusual places during these difficult times. I will continue to pray for you & your family. Thank you for posting an update.
Sending many prayers for Teagan! Hope you are able to find some answers soon and he has a full recovery!!!
I’ve followed your wonderful family and your amazing work for quite some time. I was so heartbroken to learn of all the struggles that your family was going through and I pray that a cure will be found for your sweet little boy. Please remember that as you are dealing with the dark days that you have the prayers of not just close family members, but prayers from people you have never met. i wish I could do more.
Lyndsay,
I am keeping your family in my prayers. You have an amazing gift with the camera, one that you will not lose because you have absent for a while. Everything will turn out for T, just wait and see! Take care of yourself!!
I’ve thought about you, as I read through my blog favorites and remember again that you haven’t been around. I am so sorry to hear that your family is facing these struggles, but you’ve shown before that you have the strength and courage to make it through. I’m so glad to see this post, and the amazing picture of Taryn.
I’ll be wishing for the best for you and your family and hoping to see more happy moments for you.
Lyndsay i am so sorry that your little man is suffering, he will be in my thoughts & prayers. Stay strong momma :o)
{{{{hugs}}}} I am sorry this is happening to you and your family. you will be in my prayers
I’m just a blog reader and have been for many years, since the Nest. Even though we’ve never met, I’ve always had a fond place for you in my heart and have followed your recent struggles with Teagan. I pray for your family daily and hope the doctors can work some miracles on that adorable little boy of yours and give you guys the strength to get through this time.
I forgot to post my name and email info so it comes up all jumbled…sorry about that.
If you can’t read that, you can delete it and I’ll repost it later on.
I posted to say how sorry I am that Teagan is still not doing so well and asked if Teagan’s dr had him tested for parasites? I know people who have had it done and the results are amazing and also how parasites can cause so many health issues. It’s one more thing to rule out so maybe you can look into having him tested.
I hope you find the answers to his health issues soon. You guys have such a sweet little family and are obviously loved by so many people. Keep us posted and hopefully someone will find the missing piece to this puzzle and I pray that it happens soon!
Taryn’s photo was amazing.
Take care.
I have been a blog reader for years – since The Nest. I just wanted to tell you that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers daily and will continue to be.
I am so sorry your family is going through this. I will continue to pray for your family…especially Teagan. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Not only are you an amazing photographer, but you are an amazing writer…and most importantly an amazing mother. Stay strong. I hope so badly that you will have the answers you need and that Teagan will soon make a full recovery.
{{{HUGS}}} praying for little T and you guys!! xoxoxox
and thank you for sharing with us .. you know we are there for you!!
I have had your family in my thoughts and prayers since your first post about these issues. I hope that you get the answers you seek and that he is on the road to recovery.
I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for posting an update for all of us who have been wondering how y’all are doing.
I’ve tried a few times to write a comment and my words just don’t seem sufficient, but I didn’t want to leave without saying something. Thank you for sharing your life with us. That image of Taryn in beautiful! I will continue to pray for Teagan and your family. (((hugs)))
You are such a source of strength and courage! You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
so good to see you pop into my reader friend. won’t say anything else b/c you know how much i love you… just good to see you here and that DAUGHTER of yours! Oh man. Kindergarten HERE SHE COMES! 🙂
I’m thinking of you, Teagan and the rest of your family. I am so sorry that you all are going through this.
Much love to you and your family Lyndsay.
Thinking of you and your family!!
Have been wondering how your family has been doing. Prayers your way. You can never have too many. May God give you peace that passes understanding…
Your willingness to do whatever it takes for your family is inspiring. Lots of prayers have been said for your family.
Also – that picture of Taryn is simply gorgeous.
Coming out of lurking to say: Gorgeous picture. Even more gorgeous courage. Definitely praying for Teagan and you and your whole family.
My well wishes for your son and your family! I hope one day you will share on the blog about your son’s condition like you used to. Even though you don’t want to because of the old pediatrician, think about how many families or children out there may be suffering with similar symptoms and trying to find answers… If your information can help one person, please consider sharing.
Lyndsay, I’m so sorry. I know there are no words to really make the situation better, but your family is in my thoughts, especially sweet Teagan.
Thinking of you and your family!
So sorry to hear that your family is going through such a rough time. Praying for you!
L, your strength amazes me. It hurts my heart to think of what you are all going through, but Teagan is so lucky to have you and Jase fighting for him. You keep pushing, fighting, questioning, and working for him. You are an amazing mother. Hugs and love to all five of you and and you continue to be our thoughts and prayers every day.
Praying, praying, praying for your sweet boy. xoxo
I thinking of you all!
Another long time reader here (from the Nest too:)…your family has been through so much and through your blog you have given us the good and the bad. Our children are so close in age and I have enjoyed “seeing” yours grow up and recognizing the same silliness I see in my kids. My heart hurts for your family and this new struggle, I just couldn’t imagine. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers…that you find even *more* strength, finally get some answers, and that you get your little boy back. All of him…and soon.
Can’t even imagine what you are going through Lyndsay. I think of you and Teagan often, wondering how you are and sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
Praying for you all!
Dear Lindsay,
You and your family are on my prayers.
I’ve been praying for Teagan, and praying for your family daily! I’ve read your blog for years now and feel like I’ve watched him and Little T grow up. I wish the best for you and your family and desperately hope that they get your little guy figured out soon. You are an amazing mother and a true inspiration. God Bless!!!
My heart goes out to you and your family during this trying time. I go way back to The Knot days when you were just married and Ty was little. So I’ve watched your family grow and become such an example of how a loving, caring family should be. I will keep you all in my prayers.
Thank you for the update. I have been clicking on your blog to see that things are ‘ok’…or at least heading that direction. Good thoughts for strength, happiness, and recovery coming your way.
Prayers and healthy thoughts to you and your beautiful family. And that photography you shared…my goodness, yout little girl is such a sweetheart and it shows so well through your words and photos.
Lyndsay I have been praying for Teagan every since your last update. I will continue to for him and for your family. I sincerely hope he fully recovers soon. what a beautiful photo of your little girl. many hugs to you.
You and your family are constantly in my thoughts. My heart breaks for you and I hope you know that you are truly admired – keep fighting for teagan!
Lyndsay, I was in tears just reading this. I am so sorry that your sweet boy and family are going through this. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. As always- your courage, grace, and honesty are humbling and inspiring.
Taryn is beautiful and of course her photos are too…good luck with kindergarten! Y’all continue to be in my thoughts and I wish Teagen better days every day.
Lyndsay, I wish there was something I could do for you all. I am nowhere close to you but I have been checking daily for your update and praying. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You are strong, wise, and full of grace. It was so good to hear from you and I pray that you all will find peace and a cure for Teagan soon.
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was more I could do for you and your family. As a parent of a 2.5 year old and 4 month old, I’m praying for you. As a peds nurse, I’m praying for you. I’m praying for strength to carry on, hope for the future, and faith that God will heal him. I’m praying that God pulls you even closer as a family as you face these hard times. May you and your husband stick together through the thick and thin of this and come out even stronger on the other side. Don’t give up-even for a second.
Even though we are strangers I think of little T all the time and we have been praying for him, and your family. Especially for strength wisdom, mother’s intuition and loads of patience. Hang in there kiddo!
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and with such grace. You are all in our prayers.
Don’t know what to say. For not knowing what to write, that was sure eloquent. Heartfelt. Transparent. You sound so strong and faithful – I’m sure there’s many times when you are not. Keep praying, keep trusting. He will never forsake you!
Your bravery and honesty are amazing… I will pray for you, your family and for Teagan. And yes, I said bravery! And I meant it. In February our son (with Cystic Fibrosis) was ill enough so quickly that he was immediately put on a double lung transplant list in the number one spot.
I cried, I snotted (yes, I said it), I begged God, I got mad, I got irritable, I was a mess.. and I was far from what I consider brave… but through it all, people kept telling me that I was. All I could thing was.. I am a mess and if you knew what I was feeling BRAVE would not be uttered.. my SON was brave, not me.
But in hindsight – YES, I was brave. I survived what to date was the most scariest moment in my life. I was helpless and pained, but I survived.
And I can see that you are also going to not only survive, but thrive. YOU, your family, and TEAGAN – are brave 🙂 I admire you.
Ah – our, son, double lung transplant completed, complications that required two more surgeries and a month+ long stay in the hospital in bed… and then, in July – he participated in a Bike-A-Thon to raise money for transplant patients. Life is good. 🙂
I’ve followed your story from the beginning and I’ve always enjoyed being part of your journey from your wedding, the birth of Taryn, Katrina, and then Teagan. My heart went out to you during the Katrina challenge and I was so happy to hear about your move since we’ve always wanted to end up in Austin. I know I’m just a blog stranger but I can’t tell you how much my heart goes out to you, your family and little Teagan. My daugter and son are the same ages as yours and I’ve poured tears reading your update. I know you know you have a lot of prayers being sent your way, but just know that there are SO MANY moms out there who think about you constantly and are sending huge hugs through your blog. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years as an avid follower is that you are one strong Momma and your kids are lucky to have someone like you help them through this.
I have been thinking about you and your family hoping that things were looking up for you. Not seeing any new posts had me really worried. I just feel so awful that anyone has to go through something like this. I’m glad that you took a break to be with your family. I bet you needed it more than you realized. I will continue to pray for you guys. Things will be okay. 🙂 You’ve got a whole huge team on your side.
Your family has been in my thoughts and prayers. I pray you have strength during such an awful time. God will give you the grace to pull through.
I know you don’t know me, but I feel your pain…2yrs ago my brother inlaw got in a gas well explosin…Burnt over 75% of his body. My sister has two children a girl that is 6yrs old and her son is 2.5 as well…but at that time her daughter was 4 and her son was 7 months old when this happened….By the time we got to the burn center it was 2 in the morning…The sight to see this human body being soo lifeless, but blown up like no other, the nurses for warned my sister and us they may have to trec him because of him swelling and also going into shock in the ambulance…So it came the time to trec him and we were not ready even though they had told us, it was soo awful the lifeless nights of watching my sister talk to him but they put him in an induced coma, so swelling would go down so they could do skin graphs…Very long and awful morning and nights for her as well as being 3hrs away from her babies.
So you are allowed to show your emotions we all have them and even though I don’t know you, my thoughts and prayers are with you all at this time…Also the doctors at one point said he would never make it let me tell you to this day skin graphs and a voice back he is a 100% better and in all that trial of learning God put us there to teach us life is precious don’t take life for granted…That is why 2 yrs my love for photography came in..it is so wondeful to see the everyday moments in life…Take Care and Prayers to you and your family 🙂
“For nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37
oh Lyndsay i have been praying for your family and hoping for a good update….your strength and love for your family is incredible and i hope that more people like marti are there for you to lean on. my family will continue to pray for each of you and for a recovery for the dude-r
Oh Lynsday.
I am so sorry to read about your sweet little boy and his illnesses. My thoughts are with you and your family. Speedy recovery to him, somehow.
Your work is just stunning and captures the joy of children.
best to you!!
May God continue to give you strength and courage. We are praying for Teagan and all your family. This photo of Taryn is beautiful.
Since I first read about your situation I have been thinking of you and your family. I thank you for the update…it gives me some peace to know that you are still in motion. So many people are praying for your son, and your family. Just know that. When you are tired and can’t pray, others are praying for you. There is something very special that you see through the lense, even if it’s not a happy, healthy person, it’s still special. When you are ready I think you need to continue to photograph your son. These are memories you may not want to remember, but there might be something you see, something you might not see otherwise. Illness is hard to witness, but its still a moment in time. My heart aches for you. God Bless
What a beautiful picture of Taryn, I have been thinking of you and your family wishing you all more smiles each day. You are such an inspiration to all of us, please remember to take a break now and then and give yourself a chance to close your eyes and think happy moments, it will give you hope and energy.
Lyndsay, everything I want to say seems all wrong… I haven’t visited your blog in months, but something led me here today. I am crushed at the news about Teagan’s health. I’m praying things turn around and you not only get answers, but also your happy, healthy son back very soon. We went through so much when we found out about Avery’s stroke — pediatricians who screwed up, tons and tons of tests that all seemed to contradict one another… I know how scary and stressful it all seems. Try to remain focused on Teagan and your family. Everything else will fall into place; focus on the things you DO have control over: your love for your family. Hugs and prayers from WI.
Oh Lindsay… sending tons of hugs and prayers and positive thoughts… and many big hugs for your family.