Palo Duro State Park, Texas

Palo Duro, you are absolutely beautiful!

We had a short travel day so we set up the RV and jumped back in the truck to go check out the visitor center at Palo Duro State Park. I’m so glad we did – the views were spectacular and they had a wonderful interactive area all about the canyon. The kids started their Jr. Ranger packet and actually finished it on their first day!

Part of our Jr. Ranger packet was to take a hike in the canyon. We headed down and the kids quickly spotted a trail that ended at a large cave. I wasn’t thinking we’d actually go up and in the cave but these 3 were determined!

There have been so many times during our travels that I’ve needed to check my postpartum anxiety and ptsd for the sake of my children. I want them to be adventurous. I want them to explore. I want them to leave their comfort zones. And I constantly want to make sure I’m not projecting my fears and worries into their lives in an unhealthy way. I cringed a million times on the inside as my crew climbed up in to this cave and back down. Note to self: adventure days require more Inositol lol! But this look of victory and seeing their joy over getting up there, was totally worth it!

2020-01-02T23:01:17-06:00March 23rd, 2018|Jonah, Jude, PTSD, RV Life, Taryn, Zachary|

My baby turned one

My baby turned one. My wish was to spend Zachary’s birthday at the beach. I wanted to try so hard to celebrate my baby and find some peace. That may sound strange, but birth trauma is a complicated thing. OF COURSE, I love my baby. OF COURSE, I’m thankful he is healthy. OF COURSE, I’m grateful that we both survived. And I’m sure many out there don’t understand. And those of us that it’s happened to, would never want you to be able to understand, because you’d have to live it. Birthdays are hard. There’s the pressure to be happy and thankful about the hardest, most traumatic, day in your life. The day everything changed, the day your brain rewired because you thought you and your baby were going to die. Who wants to celebrate that? Who wants to relive the pain? Not it. So the days around his birthday, I protected, so I could cry and be angry, feel sadness for the people who let me down, and just basically feel all the feelings. Because I wanted to be able to see him and be in the moment on his actual birthday. I can’t say moments of “at this time of day last year…” didn’t creep in, but my therapist is amazing and gave me tools to stay in the moment. And you know, I did ok. I’m still here. And I’m giving myself the grace for that to be enough.

I enjoyed him on his birthday and I’m pretty proud of doing so well. Look at us! This has been the hardest year of my life and I’m here, smiling. I love you to the moon and back, Z! 😍

2019-11-23T21:05:19-06:00February 24th, 2018|Birth Trauma, PPD, PTSD, Zachary|

Perspective

While it was hard not being able to go on a lot of rides due to ptsd, it allowed me a different perspective. I LOVED seeing the kids run out of the ride, completely exhilarated! Jonah ran out of the Tower of Terror and exclaimed “MOM! MY BUTT LEFT THE SEAT!!!!” 😂

2019-11-22T23:43:25-06:00February 23rd, 2018|PTSD, Jonah|

Disney with PTSD

Can you see Jonah and I smiling behind the Dumbo with the blue hat? I usually love all the rides, I’m a definite thrill seeker. But theme parks and ptsd are….hard. I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to handle the crowds, lights and noise. But I did ok, most of the time. And I pushed myself to go on a ride with Jonah. It made him so happy and it was genuinely fun! I was pretty proud of this and thankful Jason snapped a pic in the moment.

2019-11-22T22:26:17-06:00February 21st, 2018|PTSD, Jonah|

He is in the quiet spaces.

He is in the quiet spaces. My faith has been all over the place this year. I’ve been closer to God and farthest from God all in the same year. I prayed and sought his will seconds before the trauma started at Zachary’s birth. He saved Zachary’s life, and likely my own. But it’s been confusing for me as I’ve worked through the trauma, a difficult path to walk over the last 11 months. Today, the kids and I found a tiny church in the woods at our campground. The door was open, but it was dark and cold. There were only a few windows and all were stained glass. The old bibles on the pews were worn and tattered. It made me wonder who had held them, read them, prayed over them. Jude stood at the alter and read passages outlining the birth of Jesus. Taryn played the piano and Jonah prayed at the alter. After awhile the kids were ready to move on. But I later went back to that dark little sanctuary in the woods, and sat with the Lord. In silence, in tears, that hit cold concrete floors. I found a sense of peace in giving thanks for our savior, for His birth, for Zachary’s birth and so much more. A peace I haven’t felt in almost 11 months. I just needed to be with Him for a moment. A moment I didn’t find at a flashy church service with pretty pews and a fancy holiday decorated alter we’d just attended the night before. Nope, I found His presence in the middle of nowhere. I love that He works that way. I’m still struggling daily from the trauma. But today I struggled and felt closer to my Father, and I’m so thankful for that because it’s something I’ve worked for and longed for.

2019-11-21T10:58:30-06:00December 25th, 2017|PPD, Jonah, PTSD|
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